toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
