Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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