You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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