I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was born a porn star she said
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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