I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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