What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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