I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
