I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
