Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
