so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
