these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
