where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
