Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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