When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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