She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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