Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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