I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
