Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
