Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
