Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
