So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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