I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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