Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
