I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
