Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
