My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It was confusing and full of hummus
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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