3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
