Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
