Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
