I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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