The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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