I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
