watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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