Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
