Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
