I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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