So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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