What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
