Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
