i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
