So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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