did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
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The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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