Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
