weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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