i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
