He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
