Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
