I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
