Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
