does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
