this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
