I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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