I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
