A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
