So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
