i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
