I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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