You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
