I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
